Tomorrow's Wishes

I knew it was coming, we were preparing for it for months. I lived with him for two of those months as his main care giver...but the afternoon of December 14th, when my daddy took his last breath, it hit me like someone had knocked the wind out of me and sank me in a river.

He was gone.


As the weeks go by I find myself constantly wanting to call him; to share what is going on in my life, to run by for a quick visit, to feel his arms around me and receive one of his wonderful hugs or to feel his warm soft hand in mine.

I listen to the voice mail on his phone and I look at his pictures all the time.

There are good days and bad. The good are the days I can share a story with the kids or my husband and laugh about all the silly things he said.

The bad days were Christmas, it was hard of course, just not the same, but we got through it.

Then there are the emotional days like when I cried at the grocery store when I saw the peanut brittle that he loved so much or the fudge I used to buy him. (My dentist now loves it to, I broke a crown eating the entire tin of peanut brittle!)

I cried when I went to Tessa's award ceremony. The other parents were probably thinking "Really? She is getting a certificate for being respectful in class, not a Nobel Peace Prize." But he would never be at another award ceremony or grandparents day. Tessa is going to miss all of those moments.

There are days I am depressed but just can't put my finger on it, since I really am an upbeat kind of person all the time. So I dismiss it. But the dull ache stays.

It was hard to say goodbye to my Mom 12 years ago, but now I am not only saying goodbye to my Dad, I feel as though I am reliving and saying good bye to them both. I have no more resources to hear about when I was a kid or to share about my greatest triumphs or deepest sorrows. My husband is my best friend, but not a parent. I have no one to call Mommy or Daddy. No one to buy a card for on Mother's Day or Father's Day...it is all truly sinking in.

I am in awe of all of the family, friends and neighbors that pulled together for him while he was ill and that came to show their respect and their love for him at his funeral. Writing words for his funeral service was so incredibly hard, but I wanted to honor him as he had asked me to.

Many of his friends had asked me to share my eulogy with them. So, these are the words I spoke and the poem I read at his funeral. Perhaps this is another way for me to say thank you all for your support and love that you have shown not only my dad but to me and my family as well and to also help with the healing process.

Daddy

December 20th - Daddy's funeral...

I was blessed and honored to be able to spend these last few months staying with and caring for my dad. He and I both were truly humbled on a daily basis by the support and love you showed him and I want to thank each of you for helping to make his last days some of his best days. It was a blessing to me to see such an amazing circle of friends, neighbors and family that cared for him so deeply. I enjoyed listening to you relive past memories with him and I laughed along as he joked with you. I will cherish those memories as if they were my own.

It was a blessing and an honor to have had that time with him. But it truly would not have been possible without the unconditional love and support from my husband and kids. I am forever grateful and proud of you all, you are my rock and I could not have gone through this without you by my side. Thank you.

During my talks with my Dad these past few moths I learned a lot about his life and he shared things with me he has never shared before. Some of which i may be calling a few of you about. It's no secret that my Dad loved to be the center of attention, the life of the party and he had a great sense of humor. Once when we were all taking pictures, he told my kids he invented the selfie. For those of you that do not know what that is ask someone younger sitting next to you. Right up until he couldn't speak he continued with his contagious humor. I would ask him if he was ok, and he would look at me, grab his chest, and then pretend to have a heart attack. But I loved that about him, he kept his sense of humor through it all, always saying, "Terri, when I stop joking, that's when you need to start worrying."

Another one of his favorite things to say was "I can dish it out but I can't take it" and how true that was. Yet, he wanted you to play along, probably so he could say that to you. i truly enjoyed watching him in action. he didn't care if it was someone he had known his whole life or someone he had just met.

At first his hospice nurse wasn't quite sure how to take him, but quickly realized, as we all know, that he was an extraordinary man and it wasn't long before they would banter back and forth. She later nicknamed him the grizzly bear. Partly because he could handle meds like a grizzly bear and partly because he was so strong, his heart and his will to be here with us all. My daddy handled all that was thrown at him with dignity and grace and he was an unbelievably strong willed man and those are all qualities that I pray I have within me.

While I know that his suffering is over and that today he is in the Lord's arms and at peace, my family and I will miss him dearly. No more trips with Papa to the zoo, or wrestling sessions for me to referee. No more hugs from my daddy or his warm hands in mine. No more talks with my husband on how proud he is of the man that he has become. He won't be there for graduations or future weddings. I will have no more dances with him; my hand in his, his hand on my back gently gliding me across the floor. No more stopping by to help him, no more hearing his voice...all of that we will greatly miss.

As much as we will miss him, those of you that know my Dad well know that there was only one woman for him and he waited 12 long years to be with his one true love again, Dee. Joe and Dee, Mommy an Daddy, are now sharing a long awaited dance in heaven and I will take peace in knowing that they are finally reunited.

He is also now reunited with his twin brother, where he can continue their friendly bantering up there. He is joined again with his siblings, parents, family, friends and loved ones we've lost. So I am quite sure there is one heck of a reunion going on right now. Daddy often said that family is the most important thing in your life, and while he has left some of his family here, there are many of his family welcoming him in heaven.

This is not an easy time of year to lose someone you love, and Christmas was my Dad's favorite time of year. He loved the snow and talked about wishing he could see just one more good snowfall. During his final days, we spent time decorating the Christmas tree, baking cookies, watching to see where Jingle the Elf decide to rest each day, watching some of his favorite movies like White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. Lots of hugs were going around and of course many tears as well. We enjoyed every minute with him.

Then we got that first snowfall, although he could no longer get up to look outside we showed him pictures of the snow falling and my kids sledding in his backyard. But he was waiting for a good snowfall. Then, the night before he passed away, the snow started to fall again. Although he could no longer respond, we told him all about it, how fluffy the snow was and how beautiful it was lying in the trees. The next morning we told him about the awesome snow fort that was being built in his front yard. We knew that he had just received his wish for one last good snowfall.

Being around friends and surrounding himself with family were so important to Dad, as I am sure with all of you as well. I pray that each of you can take comfort in knowing that while he may not physically be here with us, he is watching over us now as he is sharing this Christmas with those we have lost, in heaven. No doubt with his arm firmly resting around my Mom's waist.

If I could say one last thing to my Dad now, of course after I said, I love you daddy, always and forever, It would simply be, rest in peace Daddy. But something tells me his response would be..."Don't tell me what to do." of course another one of his favorite things to say.

There is one last thing I would like to share with you; it is a poem that I wrote for him...

Daddy

When I was feeling down
and life seemed rough.
I could always count on you
to help see me through.

With caring words
like "keep the faith"
or those great big hugs
that made me feel so safe.

Daddy's little girl
I want to always be.
Yet I pray for your strength
to reside in me.

These words I could not say
nearly often enough...
I love you Daddy always
in good times and rough.

The years passed us by
ever so quickly.
But the times that we shared
I will treasure so deeply.

The songs that we've danced to,
the trips to the zoo.
The times that we spent,
just me and you.

The fatherly talks
the advice that you would give.
I will ever forget them
as long as I live.

Our final hug
our last "I love you"
will stay with me always
and lift me when I am blue.

I love you Daddy
truly I do.
Hugs and kisses
from me to you.

Thank you all for blessing us and honoring my dad, for loving him and for remembering him always. We will not mourn his death but celebrate his life.

My dad's "original selfie"

His one last good snowfall

As I am sitting in my dad's living room watching the sunlight beam through the window, sipping my coffee, I am anxiously awaiting for everyone to awake and kick of this special day. The Macy's Day Parade is being recorded, just in case my littlest one sleeps in...ahhh it is Thanksgiving.

I keep catching myself just smiling looking over at my dad sleeping in the family room. He is very still and breathing loudly and it is a glorious site.

Happy Thanksgiving Daddy

When we first brought him home and into hospice over five weeks ago, the nurse told me he had just a few weeks. I wept, a lot. But I told her he was strong.

Since then they have nick named him the grizzly bear. Partly because it would take a grizzly bear to tolerate the meds they have him on and partly because he is so darn strong. He is still getting up from his bed to go to his chair. He insists on using the restroom, by himself. He has such a strong will and I am so unbelievably proud, blessed, and honored to have this time with him.


All he has really talked about since he came home was Thanksgiving, and we have been planning it together since. Where would we have it, what would we have, who would be here...

I am happy to say that it is indeed Thanksgiving, and the most blessed one I have ever had. We are having it here, we will set up tables in a makeshift Thanksgiving feast style around the hospital bed, oxygen tanks, med tables and the like. My littlest one will make her place setting pictures with everyone's name and decide where we sit (papa always at the head of the table of course) and we will do our best to not notice that he really isn't eating much. We will give thanks for all that we have and for me...for this unbelievably special day with my dad.

These past five weeks that I have stayed here with him, I have had so much to be thankful for. Of course for this precious time God has given me with him, hearing the stories, being his caretaker and just sitting by his bedside. But also for my family. My husband Steven, son Sean, daughter Samantha and youngest daughter Tessa. They have been so supportive, have come over every night and call or text me every morning to see if Papa is ok, if I am doing ok, and if I need anything. My husband takes care of our house and our two older ones make sure our youngest one gets to school every morning. They all make grocery and errand runs and take turns staying with Papa if I need to go to a meeting. Tessa writes me a note every night that she cannot spend the night with me and leaves it somewhere for me to find. Or she will set up a Tessa look a like in my bed for me to snuggle with. I am so thankful and blessed to have such a loving supportive family. I could not have done this without them.

My snuggle replacement for Tessa she left for me (Just not the same)

Just knowing that I woke up today to my dad still breathing is enough to make me thankful. But knowing that I am going through all of this with my unbelievably wonderful family...makes me twice blessed.

I pray that you feel as blessed as I do today and that your Thanksgiving day is surrounded by friends, family, good health, laughter and cheer.

Make some memories today that you will remember for a lifetime...I plan to do just that.

Happy Thanksgiving from our home to yours...

Happy Thanksgiving

Me and my "Daddy" the fall after his tracheotomy and the beginning of his fight

How true it is and especially at a time like now as I care for my dad.

...I should have spent more time with him.

...I should have not taken his gruff attitude to heart.

...I should have hugged him everyday.

...I should have had him over for dinner more.

...I should have made the time.

Cancer is an unspeakable disease that has taken so many of those I love. I hate to even give it the satisfaction of saying it's name.

My mom battled the disease for many years and now my dad is going through the same thing and he is nearing the end of his life.

As I sit in the living room looking over at him in the other room, sitting in his chair I feel it well up inside of me. These are the last few weeks I will ever have with him.

Daddy in his chair

There is so much that I want to say to him and I know he feels the same. But we don't talk about it. He doesn't want to cry he says. Instead he says, "You know how I feel Terri. I don't have to say it." He tells me not to say I love you too much then tries to get the last one in as I go up stairs. (I usually win at this one though).

It is easier for him, and really, for me to. We are just enjoying the time we have together instead of mourning the time we do not. I make him all of his favorite meals and do everything I can to make him comfortable.

He has been through a lot over the past three years. First the cancer in his voice box, then the lungs, then the bone and spine...it is quite literally everywhere. But he fought it as best as he could.

He has gone through all of the chemo, radiation and bone drips...

Daddy at one of his treatments

He's been in and out of the hospital...

Tessa, Daddy (Papa) and Me visiting him in the hospital

Tessa and Papa snuggling

Tessa and Daddy Papa  being goofy - through it all he has kept his sense of humor.

Papa and Samantha playing cards to pass the time

Tessa, Papa and Sean in a group hug

Tessa, Papa and Sean being goofy. My daddy always says... "When I stop joking, that is when you need to start worrying."

And now his home has become his hospice.

Daddy and our Chihuahua's Nikki and Nina - He asked for me to bring them over and have them stay here with him and I, he says they calm him down.

As I sit quietly and work on my laptop I glance over and see him staring off into the room. Some days we play backgammon, sometimes we have visitors, some days we just talk, other days the TV gives him some background noise and other days he sits with Nina in his lap.

Daddy with his favorite little Chihuahua Nina

He is no doubt going over in his mind what he would have done differently, what he should have done, what he will miss and when he will be reunited with the love of his life.

They fell in love and never fell out

My mom passed away 12 years ago and I have missed her dearly, and the one thing that gives me comfort in all of this, is that I know without a shadow of a doubt, they will be reunited.

A collage I gave them for their 45th wedding anniversary A few short weeks later Mom passed away

Caring for a parent is not something that you ever hope to have to do, but I am so thankful that I have this time to share with him. I feel incredibly blessed to hear the stories of his childhood, how he fell for my mom and how proud he is of me and my husband and how we raised our kids.

There is a constant stream of people coming and going. Which makes me proud to know that he loved by so many. And my kids and husband are here all of the time. I have an incredible supportive family. My husband has taken over our household while I stay here with my dad. They come over for dinner and stay with me on the weekends. They cherish every moment as do I.

Daddy and Tessa just hanging out

We celebrated Halloween together and we pray to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with him in just a few short weeks.

Daddy and my kids Samantha, Sean and Tessa on Halloween night

Daddy, Samantha, Sean, Me and Tessa on his lap

Daddy (trying to tell me the camera was on), Samantha, Sean, Steven (my wonderful husband) and Tessa on her Papas lap.

As the days go by, I see him changing. Gone is the lively and constantly joking and often times gruff daddy and instead that is replaced with a frail man who sleeps more and more and gets frustrated when his days and nights get mixed up. He disease is slowly progressing, taking him over and will inevitably slip him away from us. Yet, I want to remember this time, as hard as it is to go through, I want to remember each and every moment. I feel incredibly blessed to be here with him.

I admire his bravery, his strength, his advice, his unconditional love, the years of memories behind us and the eternity ahead of him.

And no matter where he is...I will always be daddy's little girl.

I love you daddy...always and forever.