There was a time when the only way I could get through the tears, sadness, anger and all of the emotions churning inside of me was through writing. Good or bad, it was my way of coping with my Mom's disease.
This was something I had written during the last few years of my Mom's battle as the disease took an aggressive hold on her health and eventually her life in 2001.
Mother, My Friend
September 1998
I watch her as I sit at the table,
I close my eyes.
She's young and beautiful, always to me.
I smile.
Yet her hands, they are so wrinkled and old, but strong.
Getting older, so am I.
Her rings, I see them always when I think of her,
they have always been there.
The way she lays out her hand on the table, or how her hand rests on her chest.
Her glasses at the end of her nose,
And that silly string she has attached to them.
I smile, so much love, so much...
Sadness...
Cancer...no!
Afraid...never leave me! Death...Alone.
Yes!...Miracles!...Forever!
The stupid things I've said and done, the hurt and regret...growing up.
Moving on...forgiveness...too far away.
I'm coming home! Will I be too late?
She says "quality not quantity Terri" It's such bullshit! I want more!
Not knowing what you have and can share with each other.
Best friends.
Late night talks.
Always there for me.
Helpless now, it's out of my hands.
Mad! Why!
The experimental stabbings four times a day...the bruises, the pain, it wears her down.
Be brave.
Be strong.
So much pain.
Remember...quality not quantity!
No cure...Why!
The grand kids tugging at her elbow skin, oh how she hates that.
I smile.
Yes, getting older,
we have learned a lot.
It's not fair...why her!
Why not the one who beats their kids or has done nothing in their dismal life to amount to anything!
Why her!
A saint.
How will I live without her?
I can't...she is my mother...my friend.
Love is never ending, she will always be with me, next to me, hugging me...I'll see to that.
I smile. She knows what I mean. I will always be with her. She will never leave me.
Mom...I want more.
Invincible right?
Beat this!
Be strong!
I cherish our moments...
My Mother...My Friend.
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