Tomorrow's Wishes

I knew it was coming, we were preparing for it for months. I lived with him for two of those months as his main care giver...but the afternoon of December 14th, when my daddy took his last breath, it hit me like someone had knocked the wind out of me and sank me in a river.

He was gone.


As the weeks go by I find myself constantly wanting to call him; to share what is going on in my life, to run by for a quick visit, to feel his arms around me and receive one of his wonderful hugs or to feel his warm soft hand in mine.

I listen to the voice mail on his phone and I look at his pictures all the time.

There are good days and bad. The good are the days I can share a story with the kids or my husband and laugh about all the silly things he said.

The bad days were Christmas, it was hard of course, just not the same, but we got through it.

Then there are the emotional days like when I cried at the grocery store when I saw the peanut brittle that he loved so much or the fudge I used to buy him. (My dentist now loves it to, I broke a crown eating the entire tin of peanut brittle!)

I cried when I went to Tessa's award ceremony. The other parents were probably thinking "Really? She is getting a certificate for being respectful in class, not a Nobel Peace Prize." But he would never be at another award ceremony or grandparents day. Tessa is going to miss all of those moments.

There are days I am depressed but just can't put my finger on it, since I really am an upbeat kind of person all the time. So I dismiss it. But the dull ache stays.

It was hard to say goodbye to my Mom 12 years ago, but now I am not only saying goodbye to my Dad, I feel as though I am reliving and saying good bye to them both. I have no more resources to hear about when I was a kid or to share about my greatest triumphs or deepest sorrows. My husband is my best friend, but not a parent. I have no one to call Mommy or Daddy. No one to buy a card for on Mother's Day or Father's Day...it is all truly sinking in.

I am in awe of all of the family, friends and neighbors that pulled together for him while he was ill and that came to show their respect and their love for him at his funeral. Writing words for his funeral service was so incredibly hard, but I wanted to honor him as he had asked me to.

Many of his friends had asked me to share my eulogy with them. So, these are the words I spoke and the poem I read at his funeral. Perhaps this is another way for me to say thank you all for your support and love that you have shown not only my dad but to me and my family as well and to also help with the healing process.

Daddy

December 20th - Daddy's funeral...

I was blessed and honored to be able to spend these last few months staying with and caring for my dad. He and I both were truly humbled on a daily basis by the support and love you showed him and I want to thank each of you for helping to make his last days some of his best days. It was a blessing to me to see such an amazing circle of friends, neighbors and family that cared for him so deeply. I enjoyed listening to you relive past memories with him and I laughed along as he joked with you. I will cherish those memories as if they were my own.

It was a blessing and an honor to have had that time with him. But it truly would not have been possible without the unconditional love and support from my husband and kids. I am forever grateful and proud of you all, you are my rock and I could not have gone through this without you by my side. Thank you.

During my talks with my Dad these past few moths I learned a lot about his life and he shared things with me he has never shared before. Some of which i may be calling a few of you about. It's no secret that my Dad loved to be the center of attention, the life of the party and he had a great sense of humor. Once when we were all taking pictures, he told my kids he invented the selfie. For those of you that do not know what that is ask someone younger sitting next to you. Right up until he couldn't speak he continued with his contagious humor. I would ask him if he was ok, and he would look at me, grab his chest, and then pretend to have a heart attack. But I loved that about him, he kept his sense of humor through it all, always saying, "Terri, when I stop joking, that's when you need to start worrying."

Another one of his favorite things to say was "I can dish it out but I can't take it" and how true that was. Yet, he wanted you to play along, probably so he could say that to you. i truly enjoyed watching him in action. he didn't care if it was someone he had known his whole life or someone he had just met.

At first his hospice nurse wasn't quite sure how to take him, but quickly realized, as we all know, that he was an extraordinary man and it wasn't long before they would banter back and forth. She later nicknamed him the grizzly bear. Partly because he could handle meds like a grizzly bear and partly because he was so strong, his heart and his will to be here with us all. My daddy handled all that was thrown at him with dignity and grace and he was an unbelievably strong willed man and those are all qualities that I pray I have within me.

While I know that his suffering is over and that today he is in the Lord's arms and at peace, my family and I will miss him dearly. No more trips with Papa to the zoo, or wrestling sessions for me to referee. No more hugs from my daddy or his warm hands in mine. No more talks with my husband on how proud he is of the man that he has become. He won't be there for graduations or future weddings. I will have no more dances with him; my hand in his, his hand on my back gently gliding me across the floor. No more stopping by to help him, no more hearing his voice...all of that we will greatly miss.

As much as we will miss him, those of you that know my Dad well know that there was only one woman for him and he waited 12 long years to be with his one true love again, Dee. Joe and Dee, Mommy an Daddy, are now sharing a long awaited dance in heaven and I will take peace in knowing that they are finally reunited.

He is also now reunited with his twin brother, where he can continue their friendly bantering up there. He is joined again with his siblings, parents, family, friends and loved ones we've lost. So I am quite sure there is one heck of a reunion going on right now. Daddy often said that family is the most important thing in your life, and while he has left some of his family here, there are many of his family welcoming him in heaven.

This is not an easy time of year to lose someone you love, and Christmas was my Dad's favorite time of year. He loved the snow and talked about wishing he could see just one more good snowfall. During his final days, we spent time decorating the Christmas tree, baking cookies, watching to see where Jingle the Elf decide to rest each day, watching some of his favorite movies like White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. Lots of hugs were going around and of course many tears as well. We enjoyed every minute with him.

Then we got that first snowfall, although he could no longer get up to look outside we showed him pictures of the snow falling and my kids sledding in his backyard. But he was waiting for a good snowfall. Then, the night before he passed away, the snow started to fall again. Although he could no longer respond, we told him all about it, how fluffy the snow was and how beautiful it was lying in the trees. The next morning we told him about the awesome snow fort that was being built in his front yard. We knew that he had just received his wish for one last good snowfall.

Being around friends and surrounding himself with family were so important to Dad, as I am sure with all of you as well. I pray that each of you can take comfort in knowing that while he may not physically be here with us, he is watching over us now as he is sharing this Christmas with those we have lost, in heaven. No doubt with his arm firmly resting around my Mom's waist.

If I could say one last thing to my Dad now, of course after I said, I love you daddy, always and forever, It would simply be, rest in peace Daddy. But something tells me his response would be..."Don't tell me what to do." of course another one of his favorite things to say.

There is one last thing I would like to share with you; it is a poem that I wrote for him...

Daddy

When I was feeling down
and life seemed rough.
I could always count on you
to help see me through.

With caring words
like "keep the faith"
or those great big hugs
that made me feel so safe.

Daddy's little girl
I want to always be.
Yet I pray for your strength
to reside in me.

These words I could not say
nearly often enough...
I love you Daddy always
in good times and rough.

The years passed us by
ever so quickly.
But the times that we shared
I will treasure so deeply.

The songs that we've danced to,
the trips to the zoo.
The times that we spent,
just me and you.

The fatherly talks
the advice that you would give.
I will ever forget them
as long as I live.

Our final hug
our last "I love you"
will stay with me always
and lift me when I am blue.

I love you Daddy
truly I do.
Hugs and kisses
from me to you.

Thank you all for blessing us and honoring my dad, for loving him and for remembering him always. We will not mourn his death but celebrate his life.

My dad's "original selfie"

His one last good snowfall