Tomorrow's Wishes

Me and my "Daddy" the fall after his tracheotomy and the beginning of his fight

How true it is and especially at a time like now as I care for my dad.

...I should have spent more time with him.

...I should have not taken his gruff attitude to heart.

...I should have hugged him everyday.

...I should have had him over for dinner more.

...I should have made the time.

Cancer is an unspeakable disease that has taken so many of those I love. I hate to even give it the satisfaction of saying it's name.

My mom battled the disease for many years and now my dad is going through the same thing and he is nearing the end of his life.

As I sit in the living room looking over at him in the other room, sitting in his chair I feel it well up inside of me. These are the last few weeks I will ever have with him.

Daddy in his chair

There is so much that I want to say to him and I know he feels the same. But we don't talk about it. He doesn't want to cry he says. Instead he says, "You know how I feel Terri. I don't have to say it." He tells me not to say I love you too much then tries to get the last one in as I go up stairs. (I usually win at this one though).

It is easier for him, and really, for me to. We are just enjoying the time we have together instead of mourning the time we do not. I make him all of his favorite meals and do everything I can to make him comfortable.

He has been through a lot over the past three years. First the cancer in his voice box, then the lungs, then the bone and spine...it is quite literally everywhere. But he fought it as best as he could.

He has gone through all of the chemo, radiation and bone drips...

Daddy at one of his treatments

He's been in and out of the hospital...

Tessa, Daddy (Papa) and Me visiting him in the hospital

Tessa and Papa snuggling

Tessa and Daddy Papa  being goofy - through it all he has kept his sense of humor.

Papa and Samantha playing cards to pass the time

Tessa, Papa and Sean in a group hug

Tessa, Papa and Sean being goofy. My daddy always says... "When I stop joking, that is when you need to start worrying."

And now his home has become his hospice.

Daddy and our Chihuahua's Nikki and Nina - He asked for me to bring them over and have them stay here with him and I, he says they calm him down.

As I sit quietly and work on my laptop I glance over and see him staring off into the room. Some days we play backgammon, sometimes we have visitors, some days we just talk, other days the TV gives him some background noise and other days he sits with Nina in his lap.

Daddy with his favorite little Chihuahua Nina

He is no doubt going over in his mind what he would have done differently, what he should have done, what he will miss and when he will be reunited with the love of his life.

They fell in love and never fell out

My mom passed away 12 years ago and I have missed her dearly, and the one thing that gives me comfort in all of this, is that I know without a shadow of a doubt, they will be reunited.

A collage I gave them for their 45th wedding anniversary A few short weeks later Mom passed away

Caring for a parent is not something that you ever hope to have to do, but I am so thankful that I have this time to share with him. I feel incredibly blessed to hear the stories of his childhood, how he fell for my mom and how proud he is of me and my husband and how we raised our kids.

There is a constant stream of people coming and going. Which makes me proud to know that he loved by so many. And my kids and husband are here all of the time. I have an incredible supportive family. My husband has taken over our household while I stay here with my dad. They come over for dinner and stay with me on the weekends. They cherish every moment as do I.

Daddy and Tessa just hanging out

We celebrated Halloween together and we pray to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with him in just a few short weeks.

Daddy and my kids Samantha, Sean and Tessa on Halloween night

Daddy, Samantha, Sean, Me and Tessa on his lap

Daddy (trying to tell me the camera was on), Samantha, Sean, Steven (my wonderful husband) and Tessa on her Papas lap.

As the days go by, I see him changing. Gone is the lively and constantly joking and often times gruff daddy and instead that is replaced with a frail man who sleeps more and more and gets frustrated when his days and nights get mixed up. He disease is slowly progressing, taking him over and will inevitably slip him away from us. Yet, I want to remember this time, as hard as it is to go through, I want to remember each and every moment. I feel incredibly blessed to be here with him.

I admire his bravery, his strength, his advice, his unconditional love, the years of memories behind us and the eternity ahead of him.

And no matter where he is...I will always be daddy's little girl.

I love you daddy...always and forever.

Mom...So much more than a word to me.
July 19, 2013

At times, if I close my eyes I feel as if she is still with me. I can feel her tender arms around me. I can feel my head on her chest as we lay together on the couch laughing and telling stories. I can hear her voice...

My Mom Dee and Me This is one of my favorite pictures of us

It was an early September morning in 2001. The priest arrived to read my Mom her the last rights, the hospice nurse was consoling us, we were in the front room saying our good byes at her bedside. But she didn't die that day, she came out of it. It was a miracle. In the days that followed she had a burst of energy, she was eating like she had never eaten before, was talking like she wasn't ill. It was so wonderful.

If I am honest with myself, I think I knew, but I really wanted to believe it could happen.

It was a typical September morning, and I was standing at the bus stop with my kids. When the bus doors open the driver asked if I had heard the news.  A plane had hit one of the towers in New York. "Tragic" she said. By the time I had driven over to my Mom's the other tower was hit. September 11, 2001 a day our Nation will never forget. A day that my heart broke; for our Nation, for those lost and for the realization of what was to come in my own life.

I immediately called my husband. He was on the golf course with my Dad trying to take his mind off of everything. I wanted to know if he had heard.

My husband Steven was originally from New York, we met in Missouri when I was in high school while he lived here briefly. Then shortly after getting out of school, I moved to New York. we were later married and our first two children were born there.  He was a New York Iron Worker for almost 10 years, his father a former New York City fireman and iron worker.

When my Mom started getting really ill, we moved back to Missouri. But of course we had many friends and family still in New York.

I couldn't believe what was unfolding before our eyes. It was horrific.

I was crying for all those lives, but at the same time I was also crying for my Mom. As I sat across form her my heart sank. Her face was just blank that day. My Mom was the most caring, loving and emotional woman I knew. Yet as we watched that horrific day unfold on the television, there was nothing in her eyes, it was like she was lost inside her own body. It was on that day, I knew.

People always ask if you remember where you were that day, I will never forget. It was the day I realized my time with my Mom was coming to an end.

Two nights before she passed away I had spent the evening at her bedside. My father was upstairs sleeping and we were in the front room were the hospice had set up her bed.

I knew she never wanted to be like this, she wanted to die in dignity and even that was being taken from her. In the middle of the night she sat up and called my name "Terri!" I answered her and came to her side. She simply said "I love you". I sat at her side just sobbing, "I love you to Mom, I love you to." Those were the last words I ever heard her speak.

The next day my Dad told me to go home, he wanted to spend the evening alone with Mom. It was the hardest thing for me to do, I wanted to stay, but I understood my Dad needed his time with her as well. I went home, and got up early the next morning to head over to see her.

I was barely out of the car when my dad appeared out the front door and stood on the porch. He took one look at me, I could see it on his face, and then he bowed his head. I screamed "No!" I drop to the ground and sobbed. "No! No! No!" When I walked through the front door and I saw her laying silently and breathlessly in her bed.

September 25, 2001 I lost my Mom to the horrible "C" word. I refuse to give it the satisfaction of saying it's name. She fought a long hard battle but eventually her fragile body just gave in.

I felt an emptiness inside me. a void in my life. I lost my best friend...my Mom.

Mom never wanted a typical funeral, but a celebration of her life. And I wanted to give her that. I was always writing poems for her, for Mother's Day, their anniversary...So at her service, through the lump in my throat, the tears streaming down my face and my Uncle Len (my Mom's brother) at my side I read...

What I didn't know at this time was that my journey with my Mom wasn't quite over...